I don't understand how if you can supposedly love someone, you can treat them so awfully and talk to them with so much disrespect. All the times that I'm the one who has to initiate calls, texts, messages, visits, and I get sworn at, yelled at, and disrespected because I'm not able to talk on the phone at certain situations. I am baffled that conversation happened as it did. I was completely freaked out on and out of nowhere. And trying to be calm and not hang up was impossibly hard. Maybe I should have hung up. And if I had've hung up he probably wouldn't talk to me ever again. Which is why I didn't. But it seems unfair that I have to be subjected to that disrespect and hatred because if I hang up, I turn into the bad person.
Another post:
Sometimes I wish i stayed in Belleville. At least I knew a few people. It's especially frustrating that I'm single but can't date. But I don't know how much longer I intend to do that. Sometimes I wish M was still at the bank. It was nice having someone want to talk to me. Now I only get someone "missing" me when they're cold. Gee, thanks! It's frustrating being in this attached/unattached limbo and feeling insecure and unsure while he's hanging out with girls constantly. He has friends, he "has" me, so why does he feel the need to constantly add new girls onlline. And now that I've stopped being so open with who's calling and texting me he asks who is just as much if not more than me. he's so hypocritical about how we act. He always blames me, says I'm worse, says I'm jealous and nosey, but when he is... it's totally okay. I'm sick of the hypocritical double standards of this fucked up mess. And I'm sick of the bullshit of R, L, K, and whoever the fuck is next. I'm sick of the crying, sleepless nights, stress, anger, hurt, and insecurity. I'm still dealing with all of this bullshit and I'm not even in a committed relationship. Done with the lying, done with the crap. Which is why he's paying attention, starting to notice my pulling away, my detachment from this "situation" and now he's putting effort in. After two years of shit, I've learned the only time he checks in is when I check out. I'm sick of joining in again once he finally gets around to being apart of this thing. Not gonna happen much longer. Fuck I wish I didn't still care about him. But it's definitely fading. Which is probably the best for me and my heart. He says he loves me but if he does, why doesn't he treat me like I deserve to be treated? Am I such an awful person that I don't deserve to be treated like a princess?
Another post:
On Friday, February 25th, I finally had enough. B fucked our hang out plans because to wanted to go "have fun" and "honestly you'll be jealous if you're there or not" - uhhhhh, fuck you then. I said find and that I wished he hadn't have wasted my time. Don't say you want to date me if you don't actually want to. He said fine we won't date then. Yeah, no fucking shit! I pretty much knew he was gonna ditch me that day he finally made a decision or the day before. Icing on the cake was when I asked him a question and he said he wasn't talking about it anymore or he'd stop talking entirely (oh no, what a shame) and then said "btw, I'm going to college in Kingston anyway." Where the fuck did that come from/why do I care? So I asked where that came from. Response: "what part of I'm done talking about this didn't you get?" Ex-fuckin-cuse me?? Yeah, then end.
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