"You're killing me, you're really killing me" - Daddy Daycare

I find it really grates on my nerves when people get mad at me for something and then turn around and the EXACT same thing. There's a few people that do this on a fairly regular basis and oh-my-goodness it drives me up the wall and across the ceiling!

But I should just let it go since I told said person what exactly bugged me and I'm trying to not hold on to stuff as long as I used to. I'm brutal for grudges and in the past few years I've gotten so much better at letting things go and attempting to forgive more easily. I still struggle with it, but with much improvement.

However, as much as I need to discuss what bothered me, I find when people aren't receptive to my honesty/explanations, and I get used to them being that way, I tend to shut down and only tell them the bare minimum and bottle it up.

Bottling it up has always been my style, and always to my detriment. In high school I greatly struggled with that and the results were not pleasant. It caused the worst fight I've ever had with LJ and I don't know that it was really as much of a fight with CW but I was furious at both of them. Which in hindsight was dumb of me. I told LJ that I was hurting myself, and she in turn told CW since she didn't know what to do and together they told a guidance counsellor. And then they tricked me into going in to talk to the counsellor for the school board that dealt with that sort of thing. An intervention of sorts. I was PISSED!

Now I know that they did what they felt was best for me and I appreciate it in a way, but I did not like the way it was handled and still don't really. Meh, it's over now. Anyway, that had resulted from my bottling things up that bothered, upset, angered, frustrated me. So now that I haven't been self-destructive in that way for... I actually can't remember since when. It's been that long, which is really good.

So lately when I find myself struggling to explain things to certain people, I'm doing my newer habit in the last few years of crying, yelling, anything to get it out and make them get what I'm trying to say without making them angry or upset with me... and then when that's not working it makes me want to revert back to bottling it up/shutting people out.

This is extremely hard for me to handle because people, including these people are always saying don't bottle it up... THEN FREAKING LISTEN!! Lol. Frig! So that's part of the reason I decided to start blogging again. I figure even if someone is making it impossible to talk to them.. I can at least blog and get it out and get some perspective and get a happy medium between bottling it up and killing myself emotionally trying to tell someone somethings they just are not grasping from me.

One of the things that calms me down when I'm frustrated is this girlie :)

<3 Veronica when she was 9 or 10 wks old










That was probably fairly confusing but in my opinion blogging is more for the blogger than the bloggee?.. reader I guess works. Duh! That's it for now kids... must go track my food for the day on my "healthy new life" profile.... which I'm trying to motivate myself to do. I need a kick in the butt!

-Tee